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My maternal grandparents were Southern Baptist. My mother was raised Baptist, but changed to Pentecostal in her teens. She was a healer. She never healed in meetings or for show and she never, ever accepted any money. At some point she realized that this was not enough and she began to search for the truth. She read lots of metaphysical books and did yoga exercises while she meditated. She became what is now called New Age before anyone ever heard of New Age. She had tried to raise me Pentecostal, but at about age twelve I decided it was b.s. I tried several Christian churches. All had some truth, but all had a lot of what to me was b.s. In my late teens I tried reading some of my mother's metaphysical books. I couldn't understand them at all. Somewhere around age twenty I became a complete atheist. I decided all religion was bunk and that I didn't need it. In my late twenties I had just went to bed about one o'clock in the morning when I heard a woman's voice calling my name. I sat up in bed and hollered "What?" She then said "My son, why have you forsaken me?" For some stupid, dumbass reason I decided it was not female, but the voice of Jesus calling out for me to become a Christian. I attended church after church looking for the real one. None of them seemed to fit. Then a girlfriend dragged me to an Institute in Basic Youth Conflicts seminar. If you ever have the opportunity to attend one, do so. It is a lot of basic truth wrapped up in a Christian worldview. I kept this basic belief system until some friends (most of who are on this list) and I started doing meditations at what we thought was an Indian ceremonial site. I say we thought it was an Indian site because we later thought it was an energy site manifested or discovered by my mother. It may well have been an Indian site too. Many things were revealed to us at the site.
I was very sick when I was about thirteen years old. I was home schooled during that time. I read a lot and discovered Greek and Roman mythology. The goddess Diana was my favorite god/goddess. During times when I considered myself a Christian I would just forget about Diana. When I would drift away from Christianity, I would always remember my favorite goddess, Diana, the goddess of the moon. One time while meditating at the site, during the full moon, my goddess Diana appeared to me. She then appeared as an American Indian goddess, then as a Hindu goddess, then, in fast order, about a hundred goddess forms. Then, finally, she appeared as the Virgin Mary. I said "You are Mary?"
She replied "I am the one they pray to. I am not the human who was the mother of the one now called Jesus. I am the feminine part of the god/goddess of this planet. The Christians disowned my other older names, but they needed the feminine aspect of God, so when they began to pray to Mary, I was there. They honor me and pray to me and they do not even know who I am.
"Then it was you who called out to me that night?"
"Why didn't you tell me I took it wrong?"
"It was necessary for you to follow that path and find out it wasn't for you. It wasn't really the wrong path because it has led you to me, here, now."
I now know her Gnostic name is Sophia. I plan to never reject my Diana/Sophia again. That is why I call myself a pagan Gnostic instead of a Christian Gnostic. I have nothing against Christians; but I do hope they will not burn me at the stake this time around. :)
We stopped going to the site after about a year; and several years later another meditation group formed. We met once a month and practiced meditation. After another year we were invited to learn meditation at a Buddhist temple. Again we went once a week for about a year. The head monk instructed us in how to meditate, but never once did he try to convert us to Buddhist. Sometime during this time I connected with what I now call the Gnosis and developed my own belief system. Over a year ago I found out about Gnosticism and decided that is what I am. Loose definition of Gnosticism, not strict and narrow.
I can now read my mother's old metaphysical books and understand every word.
07 October 2003
Posted to GnosticThought@topica.com